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Cat
06 July 2014 @ 06:49 pm
Recently, FX just got back in contact with his father. It has been like maybe 10 years since he's last seen him. At first, I was very happy, I mean I still am that he's got his father back, especially now that he moved out from his mother's.

He moved in with his ex-step-father, close to where his mother lives. And now his father keeps hinting that he would like FX to move in with him instead. The only problem is that he lives in fucking St-Jérôme, which is in goddamn north of Montreal. And FX keeps hinting me that he wants to move there also.

Only, I fucking hate the idea. It's too far, it's in the middle of nowhere, you have to take the train to get there. Every time he talks to me about wanting to move there, I get nauseous with stress. I know he'll be happier and it's probably the best idea for him but I just keep thinking that if ever he moves there, our relationship is going to take a toll and we'll end up splitting, even if we tried really hard to make it work.

He says that it wouldn't change how many times we would see each other, but I know that it's a lie. Going back and forth between those two towns is not easy because of the time and availability of the train,

Every time I think about this whole story, I just want to roll in my bed and cry to sleep.
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Current Mood: depresseddepressed
 
 
 
Cat
17 March 2013 @ 10:46 pm
I'm kind of tired of people telling me that I'm just jealous or that all I should do about his sister is to suck it up and ignore it. As if it was that easy. Believe me, if it was, there would be no problem.

If I want to talk to him about this, he'll just tell me that it's all in my head and that I should just stop thinking about it. If I talk to my mom, she would just use it against me when we'll be fighting next time. If I tell my friends, they'll just tell me that I should be able to have a good relationship with her if I was to marry him one day.

You see, that's the fucking thing. It's like a goddamn package. On one hand, I got my boyfriend. And on the other, I got the sister that comes with the brother. If I'm to marry him, I'll have to accept her as family, something that would be not possible if this "competition" continues.

She accused me of copying her once. Like I did, a long time ago. I apologized for what I did to her. She did not. The thing is, I really don't understand how in Hell's name I'm the one supposedly "copying". I started playing the flute before her. I bought my flute before her. Couple of weeks ago, I put one picture of me playing the flute. The next, she does the same, only better. I bought a flute necklace months ago. She recently did the same and post a picture of it on FB. It's like she's crawling under my fucking skin, I just want to rip her away.

And next semester, she'll be going to the same college as me and her brother. It's like I cannot have one thing of mine. I can't have my instrument, my passion, my college, nor my boyfriend, for myself. I know it's very selfish of me to speak like this but this is honestly months of frustration building up in me. I can't talk to anyone about this because either they're taking her side (i.e.: some boy I know) or they just don't care because it's really a stupid non-existent problem.
 
 
Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
Current Music: Heart Shaped Wreckage (feat. Jeremy Jordon & Katharine McPhee) - SMASH Cast
 
 
Cat
08 September 2012 @ 03:43 am

I've never had a boyfriend. Before, in my head, I always thought that if I were to have one, I would be the kind of girl that would give him all the space he needed and all the attention he needed all at the same time; the understanding kind, ya know? I wasn't going to be the hard kind because I hate anything that is hard and difficult including people. I was going to let him see his friends, his family, be alone if he asked for it, etc.

But then, I got a boyfriend. The real thing. It wasn't a "if I were to have one". I didn't know what I was up to even if I thought I was going to be all prepared because you never are for this kind of thing.

When we first started dating, it was only the two of us. None of his family that were to bother me, none of his friends that were to steal him from me, none of my parents that knew anything and we would talk alllll the time if not, just listen to each other's breathing. But then life happened and his family came in the picture followed by mine and then his friends.

These days, to be perfectly honest with whoever's interested, I feel like he's been seeing his friends more than before, which is true since he wasn't seeing them before. But it shouldn't bother me, right? I mean it's his friends. He should be allowed to see them whenever he wants and I should be telling him, "Have fun, babe!" Instead, I think like a real retard and feel awfully jealous every time he spends time with someone else than me.

I'm starting to turn into those girls I once hated so much because all they did was suffocating their boyfriend and that is exactly what I'm doing with FX. I know it's wrong but when I'm trying to give him the space and support he needs, it just backfires to my face and everything fails. I feel like I love him too much and him not enough, which is awful to say or think. I don't have any good friends left (aside from Vimy but I don't even see her enough to talk to her about these stuff). It's like, he wouldn't have any difficulties letting me go with some friends whereas I pick up a fight every time he leaves for the arcade. Right now, he's practically my whole life and if I were to lose him somehow, I would pretty much die. I want to feel in love again, happy to have him, blessed even. I don't want to feel jealousy cutting through my heart or frustration pumping to my veins every time I don't get him to myself.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

 
 
Current Location: Canada, Quebec, Mont-Royal
 
 
Cat
14 August 2012 @ 01:58 am
Last week was his sister, this week his mother. Jeez either I don't belong in his family, or his family doesn't like me.

I don't know for most people but I find it extremely hard socializing with FX's parents, especially his mother. She is so hard to please. It's like everything I do or try to do is never enough for her. The first time we went out all together for dinner, it ended with me crying on FX's shoulder outside because they all thought that we weren't talking enough with them and that we were always in our bubble instead of trying to include them in the conversation. They said that all they wanted was for me to have more conversations with them. 

The thing is that I'm a very shy person outside. It takes a while for me to warm up to someone but for it to work, I need to see that person a lot, like practically everyday so that I'll start to go crazy. The problem is that I don't see his parents that much so it takes a lot more time for me to crack up jokes as if I was with friends or co-workers. But they don't seem to understand that. It seems like they want me to be super open about everything and talk really loudly and tell them tons of stories but in reality, I'm really not like that - especially around adults. The way I was raised since a kid was that I had to be respectful towards big people. I'm not gonna go around acting as if I was with friends when they're the parents of my frickin' boyfriend. Nope.

I tried being a bit more outspoken when I'm around them but it seems like most of the time, when I see them, I'm always in a bad mood because of something else. And that makes them believe that I'm a big snob (lol, stealing some words of a certain girl I used to know) to them or that I don't like them. I like them, I really do. But their opinion about everything is starting to really piss me off. I try my hardest all the time to please his mother and it seems to be never enough. Yesterday, we went to watch a movie all the family and when I came by, she opened the door for me and I said hi and smiled and went inside and upstairs whilst she went outside to talk to my dad. So the day before FX and I got in a fight about some stuff and I was ish-nervous about seeing him and talk to him. But apparently his mother took my going upstairs without her as ignoring her and maybe me being impolite idk. She went around telling his sister who told him and it ultimately came to me. Now, I'm just really tired. First it was me not talking enough and now it's me just walking too fast. Their house is rather small and when you enter, you have a bike right in front of you - blocking your way towards the stairs - it's very tight. So I wasn't going to stay there like an idiot, I might as well just walk upstairs and wait for her at the top at the stairs, which is what I did. I talked to her - even hugged her - so I really don't understand how she could think that I was ignoring her. And then after, I went to talk to FX, and we didn't talk very loud because it was no one's business tbh, and because the door was open and it opens on the living room, directly in front of the TV, next to the couch where everyone was sitting. We spent some times there talking (me crying) and then just cleared some stuff out. Then I went to the bathroom and FX went to tell his sister that it was now alright between us (since he had asked her advice the night before) and his step-father saw them whispering and went to tell his wife that they were talking (about them? Idk for sure what he said). Then at the movies, his mother asked directly Catherine what her brother told her earlier. And Catherine did something that made me so happy and that is telling her off directly, "It is none of your business." Seriously, Catherine and I have gone a rocky path but I admire and thank her for what she did. She could've told her mother very easily what had happened but she didn't and thankyouthankyouthankyou. 

Anyways, FX tells me that his mother is someone difficult and that will find something wrong with anybody. Idk if that's suppose to help me or make me feel better and I don't know if it's working for both. I know FX takes my defense when they start to tell him how they want me to be more open and maybe they understand or maybe not but I'm afraid I can't really do anything. I'm too scared that if I start to be more open, eventually, I'll say something too quickly that will end up disrespecting them or even hurting their feelings. Ugh, who knew that I had engaged myself in a relationship with his parents when we started going out...
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Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
Current Music: POTC: AWE - Hans Zimmer/arr. Ted Ricketts
 
 
 
Cat
28 July 2012 @ 02:20 am
It's something that's been going on a while but I thought it was going to get settled somehow but my head seems to refuse to wrap this shit up. 

The story is that I used to be really good friends with his sister, Catherine, but somehow after I left high school, she got her own life and her own friends and so it goes on. Then, I dated her brother. She was happy, I was happy, he was happy.

The thing is that this year, when I went to the rehearsals for the end of the year concert, I started to feel a bit intimidated by her. I finally noticed how good she turned out at the flute and it scared me a lot, to be honest. Even the teacher seemed to think that she's better than me now. Obviously, I lost a bit of my techniques when I started to less practice but I can't seem to accept that as an excuse. For me, the flute is one of the greatest thing in my life and I can't help but to detest being second in something that I love. Especially to his sister. If it was some girl that I barely saw in my life, it wouldn't bother me as much but seeing how it's someone that I'll have to live with for a very long time, it makes me uncomfortable.

When I was in high school, I felt as if she wanted to be like me, copying me, in other words. She bought a flute, bought a case, sat next to me at rehearsals. At the beginning, it was flattering. But then it started to get annoying and bothered me at some point I just went point blank and told her that her flute purchase was a big waste of money and it caused a cold between us for a while. Then I apologized to her and it went back to normal. 

Then, she got private classes for the flute and I left high school and I felt like I had to give my place to her and then it went downhill. It was like watching a movie of the life I've always wanted unroll right in front of my eyes. 

Flute courses were something I've always dreamed of but my parents couldn't never afford them and I could never afford the time for it. My life was always suppose to lead to sciences. I had to study in that or I would literally kill my parents. Of course, they want me to be happy, which is why they think like that. I will thank them one day if all goes well in the future. I could never find a school and I didn't have the grades or the courage to do a double-DEC in college. With college coming in, I knew that music could not be an option.

When she did her first solo, I was really happy for her, genuinely, But deep down, I was envying her. Then came the second solo and I was envying her even more. I went to watch a concert from her music school with her brother and she was so good, it was literally heart-wrenching for me to watch because I wanted to murder someone. Everyone knows how good she is, even Pierre asked me once if she was better than me now. I refused to answer. 

When I started the flute, I thought it was something I could keep for my self. I'm selfish like that. When I'm good at it, I want to keep it. But she got it too. And she got better at it than me. 

There. I admitted it. She is better than me. 

Then she went on and got in a musical camp. That was one of the bits that made me angry as hell. A summer camp for music was always something I have dreamed about for so long. Back then, I looked for some but I was either too old or I just couldn't find anything. So I gave up. She got it. Somehow, she got it, when I couldn't.

Recently, I wanted to buy a flute stand because it's something that I wanted to own for a very very long time (since high school) but I never got on to go shop for one. So I asked FX and we set a date to go buy one. Then he told her and she started to think that I wanted the same stuff as her, i.e.: the courses, the accessories, etc. And Catherine and I were planning on playing a duo together at the concert and she gave us a song to play and I went on to play flute 1 and she got mad at me and confessed to her brother (who ultimately told me). She told him that she was starting to think that I was copying her.

Then there was this matter that happened today. I've told him countless of times that I wanted to go join him for some paintball. And every time he said no because he didn't wanted me to get hurt. Okay, I said. But then he's going back on Monday with his friend and his sister decides to come along too and I'm like fucking furious because I've been wanting to come along for a long time and she just asks him and okay, tag along, he decides. And now if I'm going to go, she's going to think that I want to do it to be like her. 

I honestly cannot see where I would have time to have music courses now. I'm going to do a DEP in nursing for 3 years, then 2 years in university and then I'll be set to work for the rest of my life. Where am I going to have the time for it? If I fail another class, I'm doomed. 

It may really sound stupid to feel like that but I was always stupid so.

I just don't know what to think about this anymore. I'm not going to give up flute. I'm still going to practice on my own like the beginning. But I feel like I'm not going to enjoy it as much as before, that's all.
 
 
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: Olympics Opening Ceremony 2012
 
 
Cat
22 July 2012 @ 05:23 pm
Summer so far is going great and for the first time in a very long time I genuinely feel happy. I don't know if it's FX, or just because I finally sorted out a part of my life but I'm going to take a wild guess and say that's it's both of them.

Sooooooo, I got a job as cashier at the Pharmaprix close to home and now it's either I'm working or seeing FX, lol. The only thing that is kind of sad is that I don't get to see my friends from school a lot but some times I get the feeling that they're the ones that don't want to see me. Like the other time, I went with FX at school so that I could talk to the API and he could fill out a form, I found all the group sitting there, eating. At school. When there's no school. So I talked to them for like 5 minutes and then left to talk to the API, it lasted 5 minutes and when I came back out, they had left already. I texted Therese and asked her why they left without saying anything and she told me that she wanted to leave me alone with my boyfriend. Euh, that's nice but I get to see him everyday whereas them, not even once in months. So it kind of ticked me off but oh well, I try not to think of it. 
 
 
Current Mood: chipperchipper
Current Music: Baby One More Time (Glee Cast Version) - Glee Cast
 
 
Cat
12 February 2012 @ 03:31 am

HI. I'm starting this new acoustic project with the boyfriend and it's kind of exciting because I've been wanting to do something like this for so long and it's finally happening. And I work with my partner, which is awesome because we think alike and he understands exactly what I want for each song. We covered Safe & Sound from Taylor Swift feat. The Civil Wars, Falling from The Civil Wars, Landfill from Daughter, Adieu and C'était salement romantique from Cœur de pirate. I just love each song.

I'm still not too fond about my voice but it's coming. I think that each person doesn't like their voice and I already hate mine when I talk so imagine when I sing. But I love singing, regardless any dark thoughts I have about my sound. I just really can't handle criticism (even constructive ones) well. And. I don't have any confidence. Usually when I do a singing project I have at least someone with some singing knowledge (i. e. Karine) but for HSHS, I'm alone so it's a bit scary. But I can't always have someone to back me up for everything so I'll need to work this out. I just need good vocal warming for rough mornings ;______;

Anyhow, that was about the newest interesting thing that happened in my life. That and the fact that I now have a boyfriend to make this project happen :P Scratch that off my resolutions list for 2012.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

 
 
Current Location: Canada, Quebec, Mont-Royal
 
 
Cat
27 January 2012 @ 07:15 pm
I love my boyfriend :P
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Current Mood: happyhappy
 
 
Cat
18 January 2012 @ 09:48 pm
Unlike me. 

Nothing great has happened in my life - instead, I'd say that it has gone downhill since the last time I wrote something here.

I honestly do not want to get into it. So I don't understand why I'm even mentioning anything or even bothering updating something. I guess it's because I can't stand seeing the last post every time I came on this page.

I'll try to keep things brief, I'll try to update about the stories I talked about in the last entry, question to keep stuff on track and because I hate leaving things the way they were.

But I won't talk about my school situation, let me just tell you that it stinks and I regret everything. I'll be taking a session off to gather my thoughts and take care of my mental health a bit. I'd like to consult a shrink, to be honest. Or just cry on someone's shoulder, I guess.

On the D'Arcy topic, well it's gone caput. She cut me out of her life before I even knew that something was wrong. I guess I'm sad but truth me told, she's a trainwreck and I'm already messed up enough and to have someone like her hang around me was like asking to be intoxicated. I do not appreciate what she did to me or my friend Therese, in fact. I do not appreciate her way of treating her so-called remaining friends. I do not appreciate her. That's as simple as I can get. She may have think that she was the better from both of us but Jesus fucking Christ, she even accused me of calling a fucking student exchange program to ship her across Canada because I hated her so much. Listen. If you're going to accuse me, give me a little bit of credit. I wouldn't have gone stupid and give my name instead of hers, that's just fucking ridiculous. Anyways, she was talking about how she was going to go to the police and I had to cry on Miguel's shoulder because I was so fucking tired of her mind games. I seriously do not understand how her friends support this sort of attitude - actually, how could any human being look at this situation and think that it's even the tiniest okay? Seeing that just makes me lose faith in our kind, every day.

Talking about Miguel, he actually moved to Winnipeg about 3 weeks ago. It hurts not having him in Montreal anymore. He took on the role of being my big brother because my own brother won't do the job (don't even get me started on this topic) so knowing that he's on the other side of the country drops my mood at -50. I don't know. The timing's horribly bad. I think this year, I would've needed him most so it sucks as fuck. Luckily we still keep contact via MSN, Facebook and Facetime each other when we have time to spare. I just really miss my best friend.

The school issue has created some sort of barrier between my family and I. No one mentions anything but the fact that it's silent just screams out loud that everything we're going through is wrong. I have the support of my parents - which is the best I could ask for, really. I just realize all the time that my life is some kind of screw up. I might not be studying the thing I want to but apart from literature, I don't see where I can go. I just wish that one positive thing could happen to me to give me the bit of hope that I had lost a long time ago. Just to keep me alive longer. 

Long sigh.


 
 
Current Location: My desk
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: Jump Then Fall - Taylor Swift